You really need to check out this Powerline post, and watch the videos they linked here (don’t be impatient, the ad is short) and here.
Entertaining. And educational.
May 29 2010
The end is near?
These truly are the end times.
The Fox show 24 is going off the air, having just broadcast its finale episode this week.
LOST is going off the air, too, with a finale episode this week.
I read somewhere that Ghost Whisperer, that paean to bad theology and ambiguous afterlife, is also going off the air.
And the show Numb3rs is going off the air. I read somewhere that over the six seasons it aired, 666 murders were investigated (about five per show?), and at least 20 people survived non-survivable head wounds. Besides that, the mathematical genius brother of the FBI agent seems to have had a relationship with numbers that can only be described as… mystical. Makes you wonder. Was the show giving away the secrets of the apocalypse?
I’ve always wondered why Ghost Whisperer hasn’t featured an episode with all the terrorists that Jack Bauer killed on 24, but that’s just me.
So, my theory.
24 is going off the air. That’s because Jack has already knocked off all the terrorists, and there won’t be time for any more to appear before the final apocalypse.
Ghost Whisperer is going off the air because all the dead people have already shuffled off to wherever they’re going, and there aren’t going to be any more dead people before the apocalypse, at which point talking to ghosts will be kind of pointless.
LOST is going off the air because pretty soon we’re all going to know exactly who is lost, and who isn’t.
Numb3rs is leaving us because it was just giving away too many hints about what the number 666 really means. When I have some time I’m going to do a numerological analysis of the title of the show. I’ll bet there is something encoded there, hiding in plain sight….
But when a bunch of long running shows are canceled all at once, including some with pretty good ratings….. you have to wonder. What are they trying to keep from us? What secrets would have been revealed in the next episodes, if only they’d stayed on the air?
And finally, one other observation: almost no one is buying real estate these days, so almost no one is in escrow. Since escrow is an eternal state (escrows never end), if no one is in escrow, then that means all escrows have ended. But that means we must be at the end-times. Well, the beginning of the end-times. I suppose people with the mark of the beast might still be in escrow, still being able to buy and sell.
The proliferation of 2012 disaster movies is just a premonition of things to come even sooner.
Maybe even before the 2010 elections. We’ll know if Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid switch parties and become tea-baggers before November.
I’m predicting that the CW show Supernatural will have just one more season…. if that. It seems that it’s getting harder and harder to put makeup on Satan.
So…. think of the current life on Earth as a very long running show that is about to be canceled, having been failing in the ratings lately. Rumor has it that the studio Chief Executive sent in a Trouble-Shooter a couple-thousand years ago, but the production company has mostly failed to see reason, and is ignoring His advice. The show was almost canceled once before, early in its run, when really bad weather interfered with the shooting schedule.
Better store water, food and ammo. And gold. Lots of gold. Not that it will do you any good in the long run, but since you may be left standing around after the rapture (you can come to my house and move in, if you can find it, since my family and I are expecting to be on permanent vacation), you may find some temporal preparations useful.
Include a Bible in your stores.
You’ll be more interested in reading it then than you may be now.
May 27 2010
It’s time to take action! Part TWO
In “It’s time to take action! Part ONE” I discussed the need for the government to be appearing to take action to solve problems, even when the solution is outside the government’s sphere of competence.
The oil is still leaking in the Gulf, about a mile under water. BP doesn’t seem to be able to, uh, put a lid on it. So, in the spirit of taking federal action whenever possible, whenever there is the slightest chance that it might work, I offer some ways Obama and his armies of federal experts could solve this new “oil crisis.”
1) Fill lots and lots of ships with lots and lots of big rocks, and lob them over the side above the leak. There’s a reasonable chance that one or more of them will land on the leak, and plug it. (Note the parallel to lobbing federal money out of the federal financial cannon at whatever problem comes along.)
2) Along the way, in the spirit of federal inter-agency cooperation (the kind the CIA doesn’t give the FBI), why not haul the rocks out there in decommissioned naval ships that are just taking up space in a harbor somewhere (space that Obama’s rich, New England liberal yacht-owning friends could be using for their floating palaces). Then, after lobbing the rocks over the side, Obama could have the ships sunk on the spot. The ships might land on the rock that plugged the leak, and hold it down, plus there is the environmental plus of providing the structure for the growth of a new coral reef.
3) Just to build on the idea, Obama could send along the conservative Republican caucus of the House, ostensibly on a fact-finding tour, to observe the rocks being hurled over the side… then sink the ships with the right-wing bigots still on board, in a regrettable accident that could probably be blamed on BP. The New York Times would probably find out, eventually, that it wasn’t an accident, but no worries. They’d never publish the story, since its publication would do no harm to national security. Now that I think of it, the New York Times knows a great deal about leaks…. maybe someone should ask them what to do.
4) In a parallel idea, Obama could order the scuttling of nuclear subs he thinks the US shouldn’t own anyway. One of them might hit the leak and plug it.
5) Obama could consider tossing Michael Moore over the side, followed by Rosie O’Donnell and Sheila Jackson Lee. When the water pressure flattens them to an inch thickness, they’ll have the density of a neutron star, surely enough to plug the leak. I’m guessing, though, that Michael Moore will be more than sufficient to do the job.
6) Obama could offer the oil to China, if they can figure out a way to get it and stop the leak. They’re very industrious people. After all, they built the Great Wall. China is eager to drill in the Caribbean. Maybe then China would help us keep North Korea out of trouble. There’s an added bonus here: when China burns the oil, adding to global warming, Obama has even more talking points to point the finger at China in front of the UN. Not that he’d use them. He’d probably send somebody to apologize to the Chinese for not delivering the oil to them directly.
7) Since Obama is canceling and mothballing the Space Shuttle fleet, why spend the money on storage where moth and rust doth corrupt? Instead, get the Space Shuttle up into orbit one last time, then crash it into the Caribbean, right above the oil leak, at about Mach 25 or something (remotely piloted, naturally, unless Obama could get John McCain to fly it). It wouldn’t do much good, of course (how many federal programs do?), but it would be spectacular, and it would be clear evidence of serious federal commitment to solving the problem, and, who knows, a piece of the main engine might survive intact and plug the leak.
8) Even better: why not simply set off a couple of large nukes on the sea floor above the leak? The melted slag, underwater, would be sure to plug whatever leak there was, and the mile-deep water would prevent any serious above-water effects. Might make one good surfable wave in Galveston. But no tsunamis. Just not enough energy. (Mother Nature and her undersea quakes continue to dwarf any puny nuke.) In fact, maybe we could do this in concert with the Russians. This could be part of the nuclear disarmament process, and the peaceful use of nuclear power. Of course, it would take a ten year study by the UN and the EPA to decide if it was “safe”…. as if ten years of oil leaking would be safer.
9) Offer a ten billion dollar prize to the company that figures out how to solve this, and similar subsequent problems that may develop. Oops… that sounds just a bit too much like a market based, competitive solution. I don’t know what I was thinking.
10) Stop the stupid drilling in mile deep water tens of miles off the cost, and drill closer in where it’s easier to manage, and, paradoxically, safer. Better yet, drill on land where we know there is plenty of oil (so what if there’s an oil leak?). And build about two hundred nuclear plants, streamline the permit process, and have congress remove the legal footing for the endless lawsuits that plague any nuclear startup in the US.
While the previous two options will take some time, and may have nothing much to do with solving the immediate problem, you could try this, Mr. President. How about having the next White House BBQ in the Caribbean, on the White House yacht? If there isn’t one, there certainly should be, in the Imperial Presidency. You’ll have plenty of fuel to cook the meat. You can BBQ a couple of BP execs while you’re at it. Maybe Chavez will drop by and you can apologize to him for cooking with Caribbean oil.
11) One more idea: just set the whole oil slick on fire. It gets hot in the Caribbean, and I’m sure they could use the shade from the inevitable smoke. It might even slow global warming to put so much smoke in the air, blocking the sun.
12) One more option, for NASA. If NASA wants to make the case for more funding, why doesn’t it go get a smallish asteroid, say, 50 feet wide or so, and drop in the Caribbean at Mach 25 (call this Plan B of the Space Shuttle suggestion earlier)? There would be a small wave, but nothing on the order of a hurricane surge, and it might penetrate the mile of water and plug the hole. And if not, the heat of the impact might burn off a lot of the oil slick. Better warn small boats to stay away. Invite the Cuban and Venezuelan navies, though. NASA would be sure to get a budget increase out of this.
BTW: whatever happened to all the talk about oil-eating engineered bacteria? Maybe they’re still in the testing phase. This seems like a good opportunity for a real-world trial, if so.
Come to think of it, I haven’t heard much about Michael Moore lately. I’ll bet those oil consuming bacteria are smiling. And looking well fed.
May 20 2010
Thank you, America. You may begin paying my bills immediately!
Speaking of Obamacare, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi recently said:
We see it as an entrepreneurial bill, a bill that says to someone, if you want to be creative and be a musician or whatever, you can leave your work, focus on your talent, your skill, your passion, your aspirations because you will have health care.
Well, it’s about time. I have been waiting for this – and not a moment too soon!
I have been in some aspect of the music business for 32 years. In order to have some degree of both success and career longevity I have had to work very hard and wear many hats through the years; performer, arranger, producer, copyist, proofreader, librarian, contractor, conductor, teacher, etc. And to be perfectly honest not all of those jobs necessarily played to my skills, talents or aspirations. Sadly some of them were simply for the purpose of providing food, shelter, and yes, even healthcare for my family. But that was then and this is now. There is a new paradigm! First thing I’m going to do is quit my current university teaching job per Ms. Pelosi. After all, what is the point of continuing to teach classes about the music business, since there is no longer a need for one? I can now see how Music Business 101 might soon be replaced by Musical Aspirations 101. Of course I won’t be teaching it – Pelosi said I don’t have to. I guess some poor schmuck non-creative, non-musician faculty person will be stuck teaching it. Instead I’m going to stay home only doing what I want to do – focusing on my skill, my passion and my aspirations. Now that I don’t have the pressure of having to work a job I can let my creativity run free. In the mean time be sure you all keep paying for my health insurance. Oh, and by the way one of my creative aspirations is for taxpayers to also buy me a new car and pay for me and my family to take a 6-week vacation every year in Hawaii. Believe me, I’m REALLY gonna focus on that.
Many thanks to the current administration. I think things are going really well. Finally we musicians are going to be getting the recognition and support we so richly deserve.
May 17 2010
Samson the dog, crip junkie
This is Sam, short for Samson. Sam is not particularly strong. He has the IQ of an underachieving gerbil.
I suppose I should be careful in criticizing this worthless accretion of canine protoplasm. My mother-in-law really loves Sam. I have no idea why. I suppose it could be sheer, unmerited grace. Sam is not a Calvinist, although he thinks my mother-in-law is God.
Sam was limping today, so we hauled him off to the vet when we could find no obvious injury to the foot he wasn’t walking on, the left rear.
It turns out, $450 and 7 hours later, that he has a broken toe, etiology unknown but recent, like in the last few hours. I’m guessing he tried to see if he could fly off the top of the dog house, Clark Kent style, and instead of landing on his head, which wouldn’t have hurt him in any discernible way, he landed on a middle toe.
Or, alternatively, the two canine ladies he lives with, named Cassie and Maggie, played just a little bit too rough this morning.
Who knows?
I’m not sure I knew that dogs had toes. I thought they had paws.
In any case, Sam is being introduced to the glories of modern chemistry. In the photo above, he definitely has that Woodstock look, don’t you think?
Here he is definitely inhaling:
Sam is now an inside dog for the next month or so. He’s supposed to really take it easy, not challenge the toes, etc. To aid in the achievement of this doubtlessly noble goal, the vet gave us enough pain-relieving downers to ameliorate the suffering of dozens of faculty meetings.
Sam, of course, does not attend faculty meetings, though I have occasionally speculated that his intellectual peers may be in attendance.
Nor, as you can see from the photos, is he feeling any pain.
You should see him walk in that whole leg splint. He looks like Rudolph Nureyev after a stroke, trying to do a Fouette.
Not that we would be able to detect any diminished mental capacity if he did have a stroke. Goldfish have longer memories.
Come to think of it, this whole thing may have started with a Grand Jete off the doghouse.
May 04 2010
Six Contradictions of Pinball
I’m afraid I’m having a bit too much fun with the whole “six contradictions” thing. I promise to post on something else tomorrow. But I couldn’t resist.
Herewith, Six Contradictions of Pinball
* Pinball is much more fun than video games — yet video games seem to attract more people
* Video games attract more people — yet video games can only do what someone programmed them to do
* Video games can only do what someone programmed them to do — yet people think they’re having fun
* People think they’re having fun — yet pinball is even more fun
* Pinball is even more fun — yet it costs less and lasts longer
* Pinball costs less and lasts longer — yet video games seem to attract more people
A friend of mine says it’s hard to play pinball with both hands wrapped around your throat.
Apr 20 2010
Divine retribution
Flights resume in Europe but travel chaos not over
Many European flights took to the skies Tuesday for the first time in days but the travel chaos was far from over: London’s airports were still closed, a massive flight backlog was growing and scientists feared that history could repeat itself with yet another volcanic eruption in Iceland.
Airports in London, including Heathrow, the busiest in Europe, won’t reopen until Wednesday at the earliest and forecasters said more delays were possible if the volcanic ash cloud stayed over much of the country.
In the spirit of those who think God directly sent an earthquake to kill tens of thousands of people in Haiti, I have a list of reasons that God is punishing Europe with an Icelandic volcano that is filling the sky with ash. Or maybe blessing Europe with it.
10) God really hates techno-trash Euro-dance music.
9) God is getting really tired of all this nonsense about global warming… as if puny humans have any serious impact on the weather, let alone the climate. Who IS God around here, after all? Hint: not the fossil fuel industry.
8) God hates French food.
7) God hates English food.
6) God hates movies with subtitles.
5) God is hoping Europeans will take refuge in empty cathedrals, and possibly rediscover Him.
4) God has secretly always wanted to fly an airplane, and is now practicing, zipping around in the ash clouds where no one can see Him. He has always liked hiding Himself in clouds. (This one was for the Process Theologians.) After all, God gets bored sometimes, too.
3) God was really just trying to keep Al Gore out of the air (in his private jet).
2) God, not being a global-warming denier, was just trying to help, by putting some ash in the sky to reflect some of the Sun’s energy back out into space, and cool things down a little. But humans, being human, merely complain at His Divine Providence.
1) God REALLY hates French food.
Apr 03 2010
April Fools? Or real report? You decide
Army suggests brain scan for eligibility challenger
The U.S. Army is, unofficially, suggesting a brain scan and medical evaluation for an officer who announced he would refuse to follow further orders until and unless President Obama documents his constitutional eligibility to be commander in chief.
Lt. Col. Terry Lakin is the highest-ranking and first active-duty officer to refuse to obey orders based on President Obama’s eligibility.
A spokeswoman for the developing case of Lt. Col. Terry Lakin, a flight surgeon with 18 years in the service, said the recommendation came to Lakin today from an officer whose name was not being used who implied that those higher up the chain of command thought it was a good idea.
The suggestion was described to WND by spokeswoman Margaret Calhoun Hemenway, a veteran Washington appointee and now volunteer spokeswoman, as being presented in a “solicitous” manner.
Officially, the U.S. Army says it has no plans for formal action at this point against the officer. But the controversy also raises the prospect that the government may be unwilling to pursue a prosecution because of the possible ramifications, including a defense demand for a court-ordered discovery process that would target Obama’s historical documentation.
As WND reported, Lakin is an active-duty flight surgeon charged with caring for Army Chief of Staff Gen. George Casey’s pilots and air crew.
The top-ranking, highly decorated officer says he’s refusing all orders until Obama releases his long-form, hospital-generated birth certificate to prove his eligibility to serve as commander in chief.
Personally, I’m thinking a brainscan might be a good idea for the entire Congressional leadership. How else to explain their belief that they can cut costs, avoid rationing, and give more people medical insurance at the same time, all without expanding the pool of available medical services, physicians, hospitals, etc.?
And then there’s this guy.
This seems to be a person who could really use some professional attention. Perhaps a teeny, tiny alien starship has crash landed into his skull, and caused microscopic damage to a few neurons.
Well… quite a few.
There are reports that this person’s medical condition really IS the cause of his wackiness. If so… why is he still in Congress?
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Mar 03 2010
Another Honor For Al Gore
The University of Tennessee has announced it is going to award Al Gore an Honorary Doctor of Laws and Humane Letters in Ecology and Evolutionary Biology because according to University Chancellor, Jimmy Cheek, “Vice President Gore’s career has been marked by visionary leadership, and his work has quite literally changed our planet for the better”.
In keeping with the spirit in which this degree will be awarded I’d like to propose some additional honorary degree candidates:
The Culinary Institute of America should nominate Hannibal Lechter for an Honorary Doctorate in the Culinary Arts for his “passionate dedication to exploring new culinary possibilities combining fava beans, chianti and human organs”.
The Harvard University, Kennedy School of Government should nominate Julius and Ethel Rosenberg for an Honorary Doctorate in International Development for their “unswerving commitment to world peace through open international trade and free exchange of technology”.
The USC School of Cinematic Arts should nominate Larry Flynt for an Honorary Doctorate in Film & Television Production for his “body of work celebrating group copulatory interpretive movement”.
The Cleveland Institute of Art should nominate Charles Manson for the Sharon Tate Honorary Doctorate in Biomedical Art/Interior Design for his “bold, fresh and daring integrated use of human blood as both interior design element, artistic-political statement, and Beatles tribute.”
Fuller Theological Seminary should nominate Madelyn Murray O’Hair for an Honorary Doctorate in Practical Theology for her “lifelong activism related to the subject of the theological equivalent of the unified field theory”.
The Claremont Graduate University, Peter F. Drucker and Masatoshi Ito Graduate School of Management should nominate Bernie Madoff for the P.T. Barnum Honorary Doctoral degree in Financial Engineering for his “proven commitment to wealth redistribution and contributions to the Obama model of economic justice”.
As for the University of Tennessee I only wish they had their tongues firmly planted in the esteemed Chancellor Cheek. In light of recent disclosures concerning the reliability of anthropogenic global warming data the truth of this latest accolade for Al Gore is more bizarre than anything that could be imagined.
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