The Manitoba Herald
as Reported by Clive Runnels
August 1, 2010The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.
Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn’t give any milk.”
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.
“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water.
They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.”
When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, “We’re going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out,” he said. The Herald will be interested to see if Obama can actually raise Mary from the dead in time for the concert!
Aug 17 2010
August 20th, 2010 12:09 am
Funny stuff! I’d be happy to help smuggle liberals into Canada. I suppose the fact that I drive a Prius would raise suspicions with the border guards, though.
August 24th, 2010 7:18 pm
I propose we start an underground of sorts and help smuggle as many Liberals as possible. I’ll even pay for the bus for the first week if we start with the current administration. 🙂
August 29th, 2010 10:14 am
Being a true “back East” Liberal and an ardent (weakening though) Obama supporter, let me say….THIS IS REALLY GREAT FUNNY STUFF!!!!
August 30th, 2010 2:26 pm
As an ulta-conservative who lives in far northern Minnesota, I appreciate the liberals coming through. The sled dogs need the meat.
August 30th, 2010 2:27 pm
As an ultra-conservative who lives in far northern Minnesota, I appreciate the liberals coming through. The sled dogs need the meat.
August 30th, 2010 2:28 pm
May your dogs live a long, fat and happy life!
August 30th, 2010 8:10 pm
The problem, Raadish, is that these darn liberals are causing a shortage of popcorn. We are using it all up as we watch them try to pet the polar bears.
September 3rd, 2010 9:42 am
Down here we could use some of the immigrants to Canada who pay their way in with a $150,000 investment in a business.
September 7th, 2010 7:28 pm
Would it be possible to repost this on my website?
September 7th, 2010 10:23 pm
Easy to do. Just link to it, or copy/paste it, or whatever.
September 8th, 2010 9:32 pm
Nice Post, it was a pleasure to read you again !
September 14th, 2010 8:13 pm
I am laughing so hard tears are running down my eyes – at the posters as well as the article. This is so priceless. Let’s do it again next week – wait, I can’t wait – how about tomorrow! Hehehehehehehehehehehehe
September 17th, 2010 10:44 pm
Amusing and entertaining. Reminded me of vintage Python. I’ll have to check in once in awhile to see what’s going on here. I generally delete 99.9% of the forwards I receive, but not this one. This one can keep circulating out in cyber space– with my blessing.
December 10th, 2010 3:56 pm
Raadish is typical ultra-conservative-so used to parroting things he hears he can’t remember he said the same thing one minute ago.
February 3rd, 2011 7:19 am
Still laughing at this after the dozenth read. “Clive Runnels” you are brilliant. Who are you?
February 3rd, 2011 9:27 am
While I’d love to take credit for this I did not write it, I just posted it. Versions of this have been floating around the internet for a while and the original author is unknown to me. I should have posted a more clear disclaimer other than the quotation marks. I am glad it has brought some laughter… God knows there is little enough to laugh about these days.
February 4th, 2011 2:07 pm
Maybe it’s Scott Feschuk? A little like his style – but why would he use pseudonym?